My baby was born on Friday night, a little past 10:00 pm. The first night we both slept peacefully, adequately exhausted from 14 hours of labour; with me trying my best to push her out while she tried her best to make it easy for me.
But on the second night she cried and cried and nothing I did would calm her down. I was exhausted and irritable and very worried. Had something happened? Was I doing something wrong? My brain was foggy and sleepy. I tried to remember what I had learnt in my Lamaze class. Something important had been mentioned about day 2. Eventually I hugged her, put her on my chest and gently patted her back. She calmed down and so did I. We both feel asleep holding each other in a gentle embrace.
The next morning, fuelled by a cup of hot coffee, I remembered. On day two babies become aware of their new surroundings and cry because they seek the comfort and safety of the womb. The best way to calm them is to put them on your chest and let them listen to your heartbeat – a sound familiar to them. Thankfully I had figured it out in my own way.
By day 3 I had been discharged and we came back home to begin a new life as a family of three.
Most parents would agree that the first month is the most harrowing. It passes in a haze, with robotic movements; heavy limbs and tired eyes plodding through, hoping that things will get better soon.
I had a cot for my baby. My best friends had gifted it to us. We had removed one side of the cots railings and placed it next to our bed – as an extension, in the hope that our baby would sleep in it.
But as luck would have it, she didn’t. She slept between us, in a small bassinet padded up with pillows, and she slept well. Every time a friend or family member called, the first thing they asked was if our baby was finally sleeping in the cot. When I told them that she was sleeping well between us, they warned me to not let her get used to it. She must sleep on the cot. I was never told why.
By the time she was 4 months old, I had heard and read enough about the various sleep training methods you could use to get your baby to sleep on her own. They ranged from cruel to moderate to mild techniques; the worst being the “cry it out” method where you leave your baby to cry and let her fall asleep on her own.
A friend visiting us told us proudly that she had used this method and timed it the first time. It had taken 17 minutes for her child to cry and eventually fall asleep. 17 minutes is a very long time.
I wonder if we ever put ourselves in place of our children and babies and try and understand the world through their eyes. We seem to naturally assume that they will and must fit into our world, our social structures and our constructs of right and wrong, good and bad. As adults, when we are upset, hurt, scared or sad, our immediate reaction is to seek comfort from those close to us; our spouses, parents or friends. We reach out to those we love because it is human to do so. If as adults we need comforting, then why do we expect babies, toddlers and children to soothe themselves? Why do we put them in a room, alone and vulnerable, and tell them through our actions that they need to figure it out for themselves?
There are many “success stories” of the cry it out method. Google is flooded with blogs and websites from experts who guarantee sleep training in 30 days. Many parents agree. There are also a lot of articles that warn of how dangerous it is for a child to sleep between parents. I am no expert, but this feels wrong. Why would you leave a child to cry? Your child is crying because he/she needs you. They are trying to tell you something. They want you to listen to them, comfort them, and be there for them. Crying is a baby’s first form of communication. Are we telling them that there is no one who will listen to them?
I came across a short story online. It goes like this:
A young couple visit an orphanage and the head nun takes them for a tour. When they reach the nursery they notice that all the babies are very quiet. The woman asks the nun, "Why are all the babies so quiet?" The nun replies, "It's because they know that there is no one who will come if they cry."
When I was a child, we lived in a joint family. We had one room. My parents slept on the bed and my brother and I slept in a roll out cot on the floor. I remember asking my mother to give me her hand on nights when I woke up from a bad dream. I was 7 or 8 years old then and petrified of the dark. I also remember waking up at night to hear the gentle snores of my parents and falling back to sleep reassured that they were around. When I was 12 we moved to a different house where my brother and I had our own room. We became a nuclear family almost overnight. By then, I was ready to have my own space and welcomed the change.
I co-sleep with my child.
Co-sleeping is the term used for parents who sleep with their babies or children on the same bed and in the same room.
I did not put my daughter in a cot, make her sleep alone in her room or let her cry it out. I nursed her, changed her diapers and gently patted her back to sleep when she was a baby. When she grew older, I hugged her when she called for me, gave her water when she woke up at night feeling thirsty, took her to the bathroom and cuddled her back to sleep. I admit that not all nights were perfect – but that was not her fault.
My daughter is 5 years old now and has transitioned to her own cot – a smaller sized pull out – similar to mine when I was a child. There are nights when she wakes up and comes to sleep with me. Then there are nights when she goes to the bathroom by herself, drinks water and goes back to sleep without me knowing. It’s a slow process, one that both of us are enjoying.
As no two children are alike, something that works for me may not work for another parent or child. Each family needs to find their own rhythm, at their own pace. But letting a child cry it out is detrimental to their emotional growth.
As parents we easily get sucked in to parenthood – with its long list of demands and things to do. We all need a little quiet time and space to ourselves. But making your child sleep alone in her room while you rest peacefully in yours may not be the right solution. Children grow up at the speed of light. The early years are precious and should be soaked in, in entirety, not avoided.
There is a lot of evidence to prove that children who sleep with their parents grow up to be less anxious, more confident and self-assured.
Bed time has been the most amazing and rewarding time for me. Tucked in bed, with the lights out, my daughter shares her day with me. She shares her thoughts, asks me questions, hears stories from my childhood and sings songs that are made up on the spot. Sometimes, she talks about situations or people who made her feel uncomfortable. She tells me about instances when she felt annoyed. She talks about her ‘big feelings’ like anger, jealousy and irritation – trying to make sense of it all. I listen in wonder, marvelling at her little brain, trying to answer her questions in the best possible way and helping her understand her emotions.
When we read books together she asks me questions about the characters, wants to know their back stories and often finds interesting faults in the illustrations. Her “why’s” are endless. Her world is full of magic and possibility. And I am lucky enough to be given a chance to see the world through her eyes, without the distractions of the day.
When the long chat is over and her yawns begin, I tell her, every night, that no matter what happens, I will always love her. We take these small assurances for granted. Of course our children know we love them. But they need to hear it, every single day. I can feel my daughter’s tense body relax. Everything is good in her world. She is not a bad person. Her mother loves her, even though she messed up the bathroom today. These are small things in our daily lives. And it’s the small things that matter the most.
This is what I would have missed if I had kissed my daughter goodnight, switched off the lights and left her to fall asleep by herself in her room. Soon she will be 12 years old, will want her own room and I will be gently shut out from her world.