Its friendship day and social media profiles are in full bloom with odes to friends, friendship, new friends, old friends and an overall celebration of those who have known us, stood by us, tolerate us and love us — no matter what.
In school, friendship was sacred. Best friends were absolutely necessary to navigate the rough terrain of middle and high school. They watched our backs, were available for chats at all times of the day and night and had endless amounts of patience for our various love interests and heartbreaks. If you had a best friend in school, you were lucky. Because many did not.
They came in to school alone and left alone. They tried to get into groups and were often ignored as the quiet, silent or shy ones who could be pushed around. They were not invited to birthday parties and not many came to theirs.
As a school girl, I never realized what this might do to the quiet, shy and reserved girls. The ones who neither excelled in academics nor sports. Who were neither funny, nor intelligent. They were the in-betweens. The ones who were chosen last in every team sports. The ones who were given the tough work in group assignments. The ones whose faces we no longer remember, because they were never important.
I never thought I would be an in-between girl. I was always good at something and worked hard at what I liked doing. This worked well in school. I was popular and well liked. But the same traits that got me through school backfired when I went to college.
I had moved cities and was learning to make new friends. The terrain was different — harsh and cruel. This new gaggle of young women I was getting to know, were a different breed. They scoffed at those who worked hard and excelled in class. They took pleasure in bunking classes and had a running count of the number of boys each had slept with. I had not slept with anyone and for the first time in my life, I felt judged. I was no longer the cool girl, the funny girl or the smart girl. I became the shy, quiet and reserved girl who had nothing to contribute. I had to work hard to be a part of a group. And no matter what I did, I was not. I was pushed aside, ignored and often teased for being an ice queen. I went through a few relationships, more to prove to my friends that I could get a boy and less out of love, or infatuation for the said boy. It was a deadly three year spiral. Eventually I hit the bottom. And I liked the bottom. It was dark and warm and comforting.
As my eyes adjusted to the low light, or rather lack of light, I heard other voices; soft whispers, hushed tones and quiet laughter. I looked up astonished. I thought I was alone. But there were others in the dark –figures lounging, sleeping, talking, reading. They looked happy. I crawled up to one who was immersed in drawing and asked her what she was doing. She showed me her work. She was building a comic strip. It was bold, beautiful, funny, sarcastic — all wrapped up in three tiny squares. She introduced me to another who was reading a fantasy novel. “Is it any good?” I asked. She smiled and replied, “You’ve never read a fantasy novel before? It will change your life. I can recommend a good one to start with if you’d like.” As I moved through the darkness I met many others. They were warm and friendly and shy and quiet and reserved. They were funny with a dry sense of humour. They liked things beyond sleeping with boys and bunking class. They enjoyed college, books, discussions and discourse. They were the in-betweens — just like me.
I stayed in that warm, dark pit, with my in-between friends. I grew to love them, respect them and look up to them. They had my back and I had theirs. They became my pillars of support, offering a space free of judgement — a space of respite against the ever changing landscape of adulthood. A space to breathe, change, grow and evolve. A space to fall, fail and lose. A space for everything in-between.
It was in the warm, dark pit that I learnt what it meant to have a friend and to be one.
So this friendship day, I want to thank my in-between friends. They are fierce and strong women who created an environment of love, companionship and trust in which I could thrive. Who have helped me unknowingly and have showed me that it is in the darkest of places where the light shines the brightest.
I hope that someday I can be that friend to someone.